Adam Fawns/ June 26, 2016/ Articles

Toronto man committed as time-traveller after using “olden-day conversation” instead of sending a dick-pic


A Toronto woman contacted authorities on Monday after a man sent her Tinder messages comprising entirely of unsolicited sentences, instead of the customary photo of a dick.  The woman, a UofT post-grad, was trying to remain strong while visibly shaken;  “It was disgusting.  There was no photos, no warning, he just introduced himself and wanted to get to know me.”


The message history was analysed by CookieBiscuits yesterday. The assailant ignored contemporary etiquette by exposing her to “greetings”, threatening that “they might be a match”, and demanding “her other interests”.  He didn’t make any attempt to offer his penis, his abs or a mirror-selfie.  Experts believe the man’s scripture was closest to 20th century english conversation.  The man was found and committed to a psychiatric ward later Monday evening.


When questioned why the man might be a time-traveller, we got this statement from the Provincial Cyber-Conversation unit.  “Our team hasn’t had any of these cases for the past few years.  Like every Spring, the boys were happily filling the air with low-angle Snaps of their junk.  Then this caveman crawls out from under a rock to share his grunts with an educated millennial woman, leaving our team in disgust and disbelief.  It was like this guy stepped straight out of a 90’s rom-com, was handed a smart-phone and had at-it with her personality.  It couldn’t have been any millennial man from this dimension.”


A psychologist attached to the unit says this couldn’t be a case of mental disease or a rare social anomaly; “Some males in developed society were resistant to the socio-sexual revolution of smartphones with cameras. But those days are long-gone.  Now the practice of junk-first/talk-later is the lingua franca of the connected world.  This patient is sentient and functional but clearly from a bygone era.”


Specialists from the Mounted Police, CSIS, FBI, NSA and NASA have formed a task-force to investigate.  Spokesman Special Agent [REDACTED], sent us a dick-pic, then this statement;


“The apprehended time-transporter can’t be of this dimension, as every male adult these days knows you gotta send a dick-pic to start a conversation.  After Snapchat and Tinder helped most of adult society evolve to Communication 2.0, we used [REDACTED] technology to surveil the internet and weed-out the ‘conversationalists’, so we extracted them all for rehabilitation.”.


“We immediately overhauled all facets of mass-communication, using dick-pics in national legislature, U.N. treaties, and beacons to extra-terrestrials.  I’m neither confirming or denying any evidence of aliens, but if there was; they’ll know they’d better come ‘packin’ “.

The Special Agent made this conclusion;

“As for our interloper, we’re working tirelessly to find out how he projected himself to our time-space.  If we can find the technology, we’re going to initiate dialogue with the people of the past.  We’ll send them pics of our dicks so they know we’re from the future of mankind.”